My Kind Of Funny

I just spent the last 3 weeks of my life sitting in a classroom for 8 hours a day with 30 other science teachers; most chemistry, some physics and a few biology (they will soon learn the errors of their ways). Anyway, it was mostly tolerable and quite amusing at times. Jokes about electrons, flasks, stopcocks, and moles were tossed around, accompanied by stints of polite laughter and a few vacant stares (the bio people). In an effort to preserve my sanity and stay cognizant I doodled, twiddled, and snacked as much as I could…until I realized I had internet access at my fingertips. Huzzah! Huzzah indeed. Below are a few gems I found while looking through a t-shirt site inspired by one of my professors t-shirts. Enjoy!

Summer Stats Are In

I married a numbers man. He loves to talk numbers, whether it's finances, measurements or golf scores. So, here are our current statistics since work ended for me in late May.

12: Total number of 100 (or hotter) degree days so far

2989.5: Total number of miles we've put on our trusty Corolla

6: Total number of times I've slept in my own bed

1: Total number of times I’ve attended my own sacrament meeting

42: Total number of hours spent driving -traveling all over the U.S. (and by U.S. I mean Utah, Northern AZ and California- I'm such a global traveler, right?)

1.5: The number of legitimate meals I have prepared

0: The number of times I have entered Tai Pan Trading and left without a trunk full of amazing finds

10: Total number of weddings/baby showers/ birthday parties/ baby blessings to attend

0: The number of times I've taken a Utah trip and never used a jacket/sweater/ Parka

0: Total number of times I've taken a Utah trip without receiving unrelenting flack about my inability to keep warm

1: The number of Natalie's Boyfriends that I've met

4: Total number of times stopped and questioned by CALIFORNIA border patrol

1: Total number of times stopped by Arizona border patrol

85,672.3: Total number of calories consumed at various eateries (i.e. Zupas, Dumford Donuts, Casa De Guadalajara, Bare Back Grill, Nothing Bundt Cakes, Rich’s Bagels, etc)

13,463.7: The number of unfinished projects currently on the docket in need of completion

This next stat is wildly disturbing and may be inappropriate for younger audiences: Reader discretion is advised.

0: Total number of days I have slept in


End of Report


Disclaimer: Neither the BBC, TSA, IUPAC ,nor any other agency or entities, assumes any legal liability or responsibility for the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information, disclosed in these figures.

I'll Settle for a Million

I read an article recently (and be "read" I mean I heard it on the radio and then googled it) that said there are only 70 billionaire moms out there, and to boot, there are only 8 self-made billionaires. The other 62 inherited their deep pockets from family members, etc. Conversely, there are 555 self-made billionaire fathers. So, not only did our mom’s conceive, labor, deliver and raise us she also drastically reduced her probability of becoming a billionaire.

Thanks for the sacrifices mom.

It turns out that icarly is istupid when it comes the the ipod

It's official; we have dipped our toes into the mac world and are tepidly adjusting to the phenom that is the ipod touch. I have explored multiple avenues in the past to fulfill my melodic needs and achieve the Grammy winning soundtrack for my life, but my efforts have been futile (which btw- scored me 19 points in ‘words with friends’ today) and usually end with me in tears and impatiently sitting at a computer downloading the compatible software necessary to work the device.

Mt first mp3 player was a Dell DJ. It was innovational, for its time, and at the height of the whole “Dude you’re gettin’ a Dell” hype. Plus, it had a pink silicone case. It proved satisfactory for my needs at the time, but I never became proficient with the software and downloading new music and creating playlists was taxing. So taxing, in fact, that I never created any playlists or downloaded any new music- I would just listen to the same 10 cd’s on shuffle. Unfortunately, my DJ was swiped at work one day.

For a while my life went soundtrack-less (car and shower aside), and then they invented itty-bitty memory sticks for cell phones. Genius! Again, I had issues with the software and actually getting music on the phone. Once said music was on said itty bitty memory stick I regrettably realized that my phone’s headphone jack and headphones were not meant for one another… in Mexico City…at the airport. Who knew they made different sized plugs and jacks? “Not I”, said the ignorant soundtrack-less traveler. Somewhere Nick Burns is holding me in contempt and mocking my boorish naivety.

Eventually, I located the correct 2.5mm headphones and thought I was content and ready to enjoy the assemblage of music player slash phone slash camera slash calculator slash calendar slash alarm slash lifeline to the outside world all in one. But alas, the playlists for my life was immobilized when after listening to song 1 of my “favs” the battery went kaput! I’m convinced cell phone companies and their battery manufacturers are in cahoots and purposely create batteries to lose their capacity to hold their charge just short of your contract. Anyone concur?

Anyway, most recently, I knew I was going to have to spend 15 hours on a bus with teenagers, and realized maintaining my sanity was of the utmost importance if these adolescents wanted to have a fate different from the latest SeaWorld trainer in Florida. I contemplated scouring Joshua’s boxes for his Zune or just toughing it out (e.g. taking an Ambien), but when I mentioned the desire for a new tech gadget, James was on it! Within the hour he was comparing ads and weighing our options. (There’s an app for that). We pooled a few gift cards together and made the purchase. The case was so sleek, and refined.

However, not until the software and I had a heart-to-heart and became b.f.f.’s would I give any credence to the propaganda and celebrity status that saturates the ipod. Once downloaded and synced I was pleasantly taken aback at my ability to navigate, download and stay entertained for long periods of time. There are so many apps for that!

All things considered, I am becoming a fan; it’s my scriptures, hymn book, interactive periodic table, meteorologist, alarm, violin tuner, ultimate time waster, and soundtrack all in one. Although I’m still pretty istupid, and still don’t have any playlists I have 150 students eager for a few extra credit points.


p.s. I realize I'm probably the last mammal on Earth to own one of these babies-that's just a little peek as to how lame I, in fact, actually am… that and the reality that I have a violin tuner app and an interactive periodic table app. Mock away bloggers, mock away!

…And I expected sleeping at SeaWorld with 40 highschoolers to be the taxing part of my weekend!

Here I am, at SeaWorld, chaperoning 40 students. If all the planning and preparation for the trip (and preparing sub plans) wasn’t draining enough, our bus driver got pulled over for speeding and was nearly arrested for arguing with the congenial DPS officer. Then, we were pulled over by border patrol- TWICE!

Once at SeaWorld we were thrust around the park, feeding seals and rays, dissecting squid and watching the beluga whales’ skyhop- that’s the real term, no joke! I read about it in a book whilst taking my shift watching the sick girl at med services! This is Heather. She thought she knew all about marine animals in her smug blue shirt. Little did she know, us green shirted personnel knew a thing or two about things of the aquatic persuasion. OK... so maybe not me, but the biology teachers did!

Anyway, we got to sleep with the fishes, literally, in the World of the Sea aquarium- only to have my REM sleep disrupted by the piercing glow of the illuminated signs detailing the migratory patterns of the scrawled filefish. But, I can’t blame the unwarranted nightlight entirely; the constant murmur of aquarium pumps and hard floor aided in keeping my sweet dreams at bay.

Fortunately, I become 5 years old and euphoric with the prospect of a theme park at my disposal that my restless night was really of trivial consequence. And, with the exception of a canceled dolphin show, and our bus driver striking a pole while in reverse, the day went pleasantly well. After we passed the second border patrol without a snag, I had visions of my pillowtop mattress and husband anxiously waiting my arrival…maybe even in that order.

When I arrived home at 1 am, I opened my front door and was welcomed by this:

You’re probably asking yourself- Self? What is their bedroom furniture strewn about the family room? Is it…
a) Weird marital issues
b) An Xbox party gone wild
c) A sleep over
d) The next Feng Shui
e) None of the above

If you answered “e”, you are absolutely correct! A cabinet fell and broke this:

Flooding ensued
And now we’re living with this!

Our temporary resting place. Our bed takes up almost the entire room!

Some of the damage

Instead of the remote drone of water pumps from the aquarium, we’re currently enjoying the constant buzz of fans and dehumidifiers and having to go out the front door, into the backyard and open the sliding door to gain entry into our dresser. Yeah, we could probably just turn our dresser around, but where would be the fun in that?

We're Expecting...

We’re expecting…a lot in twenty-ten! There has always been a fairly constant flow of new nieces, nephews, sister-in-laws and animals since we got hitched, but this year seems to be more of a surge, than a trickle. In 2009 dogs seemed to be the addition of choice; this year we’ve upgraded to humans.

We started off the year with another girl- Hayleigh (Jared and Ashleighs's little girl) Her eyes are unmistakeably Jared's!

Then, we got a 2 for 1 deal! In February, Jared and Ashleigh were married.

This little man is the other part of the "two-fer-one". Joshua (Ashleigh's 2 year old) is a force to be reckoned with!

Most recently, in March Jeremy joined Sofia, Monica and Tyler out in Queen Creek.

Next on the list is another baby Zamora in late April. This one will be the first baby boy to carry on the Zamora name, first name pending! After that, we sweat it out (literally- summer is so stinkin’ hot here) until August when Julia and Mike welcome baby #4 into their home.

Let's "census" it up here and do a little tallying:

The Smith clan goes as follows:

• 4 sons
• 1 daughter
• 1 son in law (the most fantastic son in law there ever was)
• 2 daughters in law
• 4 grandchildren
• 1 dog

As for the Zamora’s:

• 3 daughters
• 2 sons
• 3 sons in law
• 2 daughters in law
• 15 grandchildren
• 2 cats
• 12 dogs

I wonder what 2011 will bring!

If I Post It, Will They Comment?

I’ve noticed a recent trend in many blog posts lately- like this one, or this one, and perhaps even this one! I must say I have also surrendered to the same movement -guilty as charged! But, I have my reasons! The last time I dispatched one of these babies, I was eating copious amounts of turkey, gearing up for the holiday stretch, and teaching sunbeams to be thankful for their tongues. By the way, I’m very thankful for mine! I mean dentists may not concur, but my thirst (ha! ha! pun totally intended) for speaking, chewing, and tasting might substantiate a claim otherwise. Anyway, not much has changed, which is reason numero uno for my lack of posting.

Moving on to #2: My post to comment ratio is looking quite abysmal! I have averaged less than 1 comment per post in the last 6 months, that’s 0.66 comments per post to be exact; which is 2/3 if you’re talking fractions.

Reason #3: I calculate my comment to post ratio, and “talk fractions”, and kind of want to make a graph and PowerPoint presentation to compliment my fractions and their ratios.

Reason 4: Whilst making my graph I couldn’t decide what should be my independent and dependant variable. I mean, is posting directly proportional to the number of comments I receive, or is the reverse accurate? Does the number of posts depend directly on the number of comments? Or perhaps, it’s not so much the quantity of posts and comments, but the quality, substance, and hilarity of said measures. Or even yet, are the two variable unrelated entirely? Oh the complexities of the post to comment ratio persist!

Reason #5: After almost 4 years of serving in the primary the powers that be have seen fit to let me graduate into young women’s. Most of you would probably be relieved, but, the truth is I don’t really know how to relate to girls. Here’s why:
a) I grew up with 4 brothers
b) I live with a boy
c) I can relate to sunbeams (I teach high school- remember)
d) I have an extremely low tolerance for drama
All bets aside, I am really looking forward to working with the Beehives- all 3 of them! They can read, sit still for 45 min, and refer to me as “Sister Zamora” instead of “sisser ahh-mow-ah”.

Reason #6: It’s winter! How can I type when my hands are forever confined to these?

Not to be confused with the ever stylish and timeless smittens. Natalie, these babies can be yours for the low low price of a wedding date- just say the word!
Well, there you have it; so again, I solicit Confucius meets Shoeless Joe and implore, if I post it, will they comment? Only time will tell… and my graph…embedded in my PowerPoint presentation, complete with sound and graphics.