A 10 Car Wife

Cars and testosterone are rarely found unaccompanied by one another, just as pb & J, or unicorns and glitter; and my husband is no exception. I am not certain of the source from whence his fascination with things on wheels and need for speed originated, but I think it started when he was just an itty-bitty zygote. After all, he was the fastest swimmer and had to overthrow an IUD to enter this world. Since I have known him he has owned 10 cars, an average of 1.5 cars/year.

I saw the signs, but was blinded by his obscene coolness and magnetic charm. I should have realized that when we did this to his beloved Acura Integra for his 17th birthday and he was more annoyed than flattered, that this was a sign of things to come. (Car #1)

And when this was our prom picture- Although, not a car he owned, it was definitely a caution marker. I thought he wanted a snapshot of me, but was then told I was blocking his view. Every girls dream!

And this is the kind of pumpkins he would carve. He was never satisfied with his craftsmanship here; clearly, the front to back bumper ratio is grossly miscalculated.

And when I would get these pics from his mission; sending him to Japan was dangerous, yet divinely inspired!- imagine the temptation. Everything in Japan is turbocharged and saturated with horsepower.

And the fact that we practically own this: Just because there are 3 movies based on related events doesn’t mean you can slap on the trilogy label. On behalf of legitimized trilogy’s everywhere (star wars, godfather, etc), I apologize.

By the time he left on his mission he had gone through car #1, #2 and #3. Car #4 was waiting for him. Really, he had a Neon RT anxiously waiting his arrival. He didn’t need me to wait for him.
car #2

car #3

car #4

At one point after he returned from his mission and before we got married (a brief 5 month span) he had 3 cars (Car #4, #5 and #6). The Silverado was for work, and then realized it was too much truck for his liking (not to mention gas was reaching 4 a gallon) and sold that for a smaller pick up, the Tacoma.

car #5

car #6

Shortly after we married, he was laid off from his superintendent construction job (negating our need for the truck) and so we bought a Mitsubishi eclipse (car #7). “THE CAR TO END ALL CARS”- his words, not mine. James had been yearning for an eclipse much longer than he had ever yearned for me, and I was so relieved that we could get passed this little sports car fad thingy that he seemed to have. After all, he was now the proud owner of The car. Oh, how my naivety escapes me. It had a very throaty exhaust- not a good ride for conversation, and he installed the underglows. Although, their legality still remains a mystery.

Not more than a year later I started developing a throbbing in my abdomen. Most newlyweds chalk it up to pregnancy and 9 months later have a little bundle of joy, but I have now come to know it as the itch. James was tired of the eclipse and ready for something else. Our bundle of joy came much quicker and in the form of a Mitsubishi Lancer. It had a DVD player and it was lowered.

Car #8.

We sold car #7, still had car #4 and now car #8. A few months later and coincidentally shortly after car #4 concocted a serious scratch on the passenger side he was ready for something else. In his mind car #4 was now damaged goods. Instead of going our customary craigslist route we traded car #4 for car #9 with a friend; a fully loaded Nissan Maxima- V6 engine, 20th anniversary edition, blah, blah, blah, as I am sure if you are reading this, you are much more interested in Ali’s bachelorette selection than you are in knowing how many exclusive features our 9th car had.

My memory escapes me as to why we ditched car #9, but at 9 cars and 3 moves into our marriage there tends to be some murkiness. I often reference events by the cars we had and the place we were living at the time. There’s less of “Remember back in 2007 when…” and more of “back in our 1st apartment with the eclipse remember when…” . Reason #7,652 to blog! But I digress, anyway, the honeymoon phase with car #9 dissipated quickly and we unloaded it for one of our current means of transportation, car #10, a Toyota corolla. We bought this baby of his parents and it’s been very good to us, despite Toyota’s most recent recall disputes.

car #10 (although not our actual car, finding an online image was much more convenient than confronting the oppressive Arizona heat to take a blog pic). Besides, our corrolla is a type S has scion rims, and limo tint!

A few months ago I noticed James was spending a great deal of time on the computer, and on a particular website at that (craigslist), which just happen to coincide with yet another ulcer I was experiencing. He starts gauging my interest level, asking me questions like “What do you think of the Honda s2000?”, and adds gear-shifting and blow-off valve sound effects as we’re driving our non turbo-charged automatic.

10 ulcers, er, I mean, cars later I am no dummy when it comes to the itch. Just a few weeks ago we bid adieu to car #8 and he has been combing the southeast area for his next conquest. He has his sights set on turbo! I've decided to embrace my 10 car wife status, and we've agreed upon a few compromises. For starters, we'll never have major car repairs, if my stomach doesn't like the car we pass and Sundays are no craigslist days! I’ve also come to learn a few things, being a 10 car wife. First, every time he says “this is the car of my dreams” I know dreams change almost yearly, b, looking can hurt and 3, cars are people too.

A Free Peek, Compliments Of The Sun

Me: What do you think of my outfit? (While wearing white button up dress)

First-class Husband: (Genuine response, not automated)I really like it. It looks amazing. We have to leave in 5 min. if we want to make the 2:30 session.

Me: Really, is it too see-through?

First-class Husband: Umm… well… I can see your garment line and your bra.

Me: Like how much? What about now? (Attempting to conceal chest with arms and walk sideways)

Me: Ugh, that’s what I was afraid of. But it’s 175°F outside and I don’t want to wear a camisole.

First-class Husband: OK, then let’s go. (pondering about what the heck a camisole is)

Me: What about from the back. What can you see there?

First-class Husband: Again, I can I can see your bra- pretty visible. It’s a WHITE dress. But, I really like it.

10 minutes later still standing in front of the mirror experimenting with different angles, and venturing outside to see it in natural light.

First-class Husband: Just wear something underneath.

Me: It’s 500 degrees outside. I don’t want to add another layer. In fact, my bra is pushin’ it.

10 minutes later in the closet with the dress around my head trying to get it out, with sweat forming a lagoon at the base of my bra.

First-class Husband: Well, now I can REALLY see everything. What are your doing now?

Me: Well, It’s too see-through and it’s a million degrees outside I want to change.

First-class Husband: (despairingly and annoyed) No! I really like the dress. Let’s go.

Me: (While staring at a string of dresses too hot for my liking, feeling defeated) But you said…

First-class Husband: let me see it again…

Repeat entire conversation

First-class Husband: I really think it’s ok. Let’s go.

Me: (Hot and exasperated) Oh well, Fine! I guess the public gets a free peek at the goods…

First-class Husband: That's the spirit.

My Kind Of Funny

I just spent the last 3 weeks of my life sitting in a classroom for 8 hours a day with 30 other science teachers; most chemistry, some physics and a few biology (they will soon learn the errors of their ways). Anyway, it was mostly tolerable and quite amusing at times. Jokes about electrons, flasks, stopcocks, and moles were tossed around, accompanied by stints of polite laughter and a few vacant stares (the bio people). In an effort to preserve my sanity and stay cognizant I doodled, twiddled, and snacked as much as I could…until I realized I had internet access at my fingertips. Huzzah! Huzzah indeed. Below are a few gems I found while looking through a t-shirt site inspired by one of my professors t-shirts. Enjoy!

Summer Stats Are In

I married a numbers man. He loves to talk numbers, whether it's finances, measurements or golf scores. So, here are our current statistics since work ended for me in late May.

12: Total number of 100 (or hotter) degree days so far

2989.5: Total number of miles we've put on our trusty Corolla

6: Total number of times I've slept in my own bed

1: Total number of times I’ve attended my own sacrament meeting

42: Total number of hours spent driving -traveling all over the U.S. (and by U.S. I mean Utah, Northern AZ and California- I'm such a global traveler, right?)

1.5: The number of legitimate meals I have prepared

0: The number of times I have entered Tai Pan Trading and left without a trunk full of amazing finds

10: Total number of weddings/baby showers/ birthday parties/ baby blessings to attend

0: The number of times I've taken a Utah trip and never used a jacket/sweater/ Parka

0: Total number of times I've taken a Utah trip without receiving unrelenting flack about my inability to keep warm

1: The number of Natalie's Boyfriends that I've met

4: Total number of times stopped and questioned by CALIFORNIA border patrol

1: Total number of times stopped by Arizona border patrol

85,672.3: Total number of calories consumed at various eateries (i.e. Zupas, Dumford Donuts, Casa De Guadalajara, Bare Back Grill, Nothing Bundt Cakes, Rich’s Bagels, etc)

13,463.7: The number of unfinished projects currently on the docket in need of completion

This next stat is wildly disturbing and may be inappropriate for younger audiences: Reader discretion is advised.

0: Total number of days I have slept in


End of Report


Disclaimer: Neither the BBC, TSA, IUPAC ,nor any other agency or entities, assumes any legal liability or responsibility for the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information, disclosed in these figures.

I'll Settle for a Million

I read an article recently (and be "read" I mean I heard it on the radio and then googled it) that said there are only 70 billionaire moms out there, and to boot, there are only 8 self-made billionaires. The other 62 inherited their deep pockets from family members, etc. Conversely, there are 555 self-made billionaire fathers. So, not only did our mom’s conceive, labor, deliver and raise us she also drastically reduced her probability of becoming a billionaire.

Thanks for the sacrifices mom.

It turns out that icarly is istupid when it comes the the ipod

It's official; we have dipped our toes into the mac world and are tepidly adjusting to the phenom that is the ipod touch. I have explored multiple avenues in the past to fulfill my melodic needs and achieve the Grammy winning soundtrack for my life, but my efforts have been futile (which btw- scored me 19 points in ‘words with friends’ today) and usually end with me in tears and impatiently sitting at a computer downloading the compatible software necessary to work the device.

Mt first mp3 player was a Dell DJ. It was innovational, for its time, and at the height of the whole “Dude you’re gettin’ a Dell” hype. Plus, it had a pink silicone case. It proved satisfactory for my needs at the time, but I never became proficient with the software and downloading new music and creating playlists was taxing. So taxing, in fact, that I never created any playlists or downloaded any new music- I would just listen to the same 10 cd’s on shuffle. Unfortunately, my DJ was swiped at work one day.

For a while my life went soundtrack-less (car and shower aside), and then they invented itty-bitty memory sticks for cell phones. Genius! Again, I had issues with the software and actually getting music on the phone. Once said music was on said itty bitty memory stick I regrettably realized that my phone’s headphone jack and headphones were not meant for one another… in Mexico City…at the airport. Who knew they made different sized plugs and jacks? “Not I”, said the ignorant soundtrack-less traveler. Somewhere Nick Burns is holding me in contempt and mocking my boorish naivety.

Eventually, I located the correct 2.5mm headphones and thought I was content and ready to enjoy the assemblage of music player slash phone slash camera slash calculator slash calendar slash alarm slash lifeline to the outside world all in one. But alas, the playlists for my life was immobilized when after listening to song 1 of my “favs” the battery went kaput! I’m convinced cell phone companies and their battery manufacturers are in cahoots and purposely create batteries to lose their capacity to hold their charge just short of your contract. Anyone concur?

Anyway, most recently, I knew I was going to have to spend 15 hours on a bus with teenagers, and realized maintaining my sanity was of the utmost importance if these adolescents wanted to have a fate different from the latest SeaWorld trainer in Florida. I contemplated scouring Joshua’s boxes for his Zune or just toughing it out (e.g. taking an Ambien), but when I mentioned the desire for a new tech gadget, James was on it! Within the hour he was comparing ads and weighing our options. (There’s an app for that). We pooled a few gift cards together and made the purchase. The case was so sleek, and refined.

However, not until the software and I had a heart-to-heart and became b.f.f.’s would I give any credence to the propaganda and celebrity status that saturates the ipod. Once downloaded and synced I was pleasantly taken aback at my ability to navigate, download and stay entertained for long periods of time. There are so many apps for that!

All things considered, I am becoming a fan; it’s my scriptures, hymn book, interactive periodic table, meteorologist, alarm, violin tuner, ultimate time waster, and soundtrack all in one. Although I’m still pretty istupid, and still don’t have any playlists I have 150 students eager for a few extra credit points.


p.s. I realize I'm probably the last mammal on Earth to own one of these babies-that's just a little peek as to how lame I, in fact, actually am… that and the reality that I have a violin tuner app and an interactive periodic table app. Mock away bloggers, mock away!

…And I expected sleeping at SeaWorld with 40 highschoolers to be the taxing part of my weekend!

Here I am, at SeaWorld, chaperoning 40 students. If all the planning and preparation for the trip (and preparing sub plans) wasn’t draining enough, our bus driver got pulled over for speeding and was nearly arrested for arguing with the congenial DPS officer. Then, we were pulled over by border patrol- TWICE!

Once at SeaWorld we were thrust around the park, feeding seals and rays, dissecting squid and watching the beluga whales’ skyhop- that’s the real term, no joke! I read about it in a book whilst taking my shift watching the sick girl at med services! This is Heather. She thought she knew all about marine animals in her smug blue shirt. Little did she know, us green shirted personnel knew a thing or two about things of the aquatic persuasion. OK... so maybe not me, but the biology teachers did!

Anyway, we got to sleep with the fishes, literally, in the World of the Sea aquarium- only to have my REM sleep disrupted by the piercing glow of the illuminated signs detailing the migratory patterns of the scrawled filefish. But, I can’t blame the unwarranted nightlight entirely; the constant murmur of aquarium pumps and hard floor aided in keeping my sweet dreams at bay.

Fortunately, I become 5 years old and euphoric with the prospect of a theme park at my disposal that my restless night was really of trivial consequence. And, with the exception of a canceled dolphin show, and our bus driver striking a pole while in reverse, the day went pleasantly well. After we passed the second border patrol without a snag, I had visions of my pillowtop mattress and husband anxiously waiting my arrival…maybe even in that order.

When I arrived home at 1 am, I opened my front door and was welcomed by this:

You’re probably asking yourself- Self? What is their bedroom furniture strewn about the family room? Is it…
a) Weird marital issues
b) An Xbox party gone wild
c) A sleep over
d) The next Feng Shui
e) None of the above

If you answered “e”, you are absolutely correct! A cabinet fell and broke this:

Flooding ensued
And now we’re living with this!

Our temporary resting place. Our bed takes up almost the entire room!

Some of the damage

Instead of the remote drone of water pumps from the aquarium, we’re currently enjoying the constant buzz of fans and dehumidifiers and having to go out the front door, into the backyard and open the sliding door to gain entry into our dresser. Yeah, we could probably just turn our dresser around, but where would be the fun in that?